Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I bet birds love this building.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.