the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw