the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
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A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig