[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Breaking news:
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex