stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]