Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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my dad when a sex scene comes on
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
shampoo implies shampee
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
People buying plungers never look happy.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.