Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”