[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg