Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*