me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
You Might Also Like
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time