the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
me, after any kind of buffet.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Care for your back
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks