Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
spicy snake
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what