an octopus is just a wet spider
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting