I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?