I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?