How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”