A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
United Steaks of America
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]