Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
cry laughing at this shit
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait