If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.