Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again