Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
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date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Sending in my taxes
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?