I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I wish this was real life…
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power