School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.