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Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.