Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.