[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
You Might Also Like
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Erm I’m gonna say no
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”