I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Netflix: We have Less
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog