Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Lmao