*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
This came to me in a dream.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Never be a pizza!
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.