Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You Might Also Like
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.