To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”