Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.