If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.