shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
😍😂🥰😂😍
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My plans: 2020: