hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.