don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.