me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Try and stop me.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
felt that
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good