I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
You Might Also Like
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
our love story in four pictures
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke