Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.