I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
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Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I think this should do it.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.