Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.