me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
i spent way too long on this
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!