Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Butt weight. There’s more!
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I’m not proud
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.