[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
do what now??
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.