sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.