*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*