Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]