You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”