“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.