Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
WWE is French for “yes”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*